Terroristing games made playable.

Edit made at a much later date: I’m clearly over my head here in html. For much more effective exposure to the weird world of rom hacks, just look at this review of a naked Mike Tyson’s Punch-out. And feel free to be puzzled by the post below.

Far be it for me to directly oppose Al Qaida in a match-up to determine the grand wizard of Ice Climber or 3D Worldrunner; they clearly wouldn’t have the experience necessary to beat me. I will instead impart some knowledge. I advise them to dispense with the Adventures-of-Lolo-with-aliens-and-robots as their mode of videogame propaganda, and just start hacking existing nintendo games. According to Slate, their anti-western games aren’t so top notch. Retarding the faces we know and cherish will undoubtedly work as a stepping stone toward undermining every thing we stand for.
Just as how we have songs like “Burn Motherfucker”, which are specifically written with anti-Iraqi sentiments that could easily be flipped back onto us (I don’t know, maybe, “Burn oilfielders, Burn”), Mario could be changed from an Italian plumber to African American plumber (hint: just give him an afro). As can be seen on the left, this game already (sort of) exists. Now just find some way to make him blatantly evil – perhaps have the Afro Bros. battle levitating Qua’rans (not the most creative, I know, but I’m sure Al’Q can dig a little deeper – and they’d find some way to justify playing as the enemy, as the Japanese have) – and you’ll have more success with the digital purging of democracy.

And it’s not just hairdos and clothing that can be altered (or removed completely, as can be seen in about half of the hacks out there – you want to play Gauntlet with a naked Valkyrie; ogle a nude Little Mermaid; or try to turn one of the worst games in nes history – Barbie – into something potentially playable?)…

the text, e.g. the story, can be changed as well. Ignore the fact that Zelda in Esperanto was a complete failure and focus on the fact that text-heavy RPGs can be changed from a quest to save a princess to a quest to, uh, construct a time-machine to travel back to when budding islamic nationalists were failing to rally up enough support to quell England’s scheme to westernize the land and cut a little chunk off of Iraq and turn it into a quaint shipping port called Kuwait. They’d reconstruct the Committee for Union and Progress, and all that…
I’d say Dragon Warrior is ripe for the hacking. I found one version, titled Dragon Pervert, to be quite an enjoyable scape. The objective was clear, the townspeople were friendly, the, uh, okay I never actually left the town…


The quest can be spun to anything you desire. Al Qaida, your games stink. Stop trying to do things from the ground up. Use what we’ve made and exploit it. And then let’s have a 3-hour Ikari Warriors fest.
To start out, I’d recommend grooving on this Pink Floyd Donkey Kong hack.

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