Outgoing Phone Message Archives: A Saga of Cohabitational Love

(Notes: This is a fictional archive documenting the rise and fall of a relationship through the outgoing messages recorded onto a message machine. I wrote it mostly because I felt like writing a cool rap — see message number six. And the rap is the reason why the names are real. I mean, rappers have to use their songs to spell out their names, right? That’s a rule. And it’s part of the reason we rap: we rap hard; we spell hard. So there I was taking a shower one day, rapping it up, and I needed some names to spell — and quick! The first ones that came were the names of mine and my ex-girlfriend’s.
But besides that the rest of the following exchange is fake. She wasn’t into making dorky outgoing messages on our machine, so none of this ever happened. Except us breaking up.
)

I.

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|  | |_ |_ |_ |_|,    / |_| |_|  /  |_	

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*BEEP* (Ed: That’s supposed to be robot-voice. Sorry.)

II.
S: I’m sorry you haven’t reached us, but please do leave a message, and one of us will try as we can to get back to you.
*BEEP*

III.
S: Hi you’re reached 682-9627, but Sara and Ryan aren’t in at the moment. So please leave a message and one of us will call you back.
R: Bye!
*BEEP*

IV.
R: Nobody’s home now go away!
S: No, wait! Let’s let them leave a message after the beep.
R: Oh. Good idea.
*BEEP*

V.
R: Hey Sara, look at this.
S: What is it, Ryan?
R: I don’t know yet, but it looks like some sort of recording device.
S: Oh yeah. And hey! check it out it’s hooked up to the telephone.
R: Maybe people are supposed to call the recording device and then talk to it.
S: Yeah, maybe. If they’re smart.
*BEEP*

VI.
S: Yo! I’m the S double A with an R in the mid.
R: From the mid I take the mic adding a Y-A-N.
S: HUWAGH!
R: That’s right, S.
S: We cut these stinky jams for you this day.
R: But we ain’t here to play.
S: Naw.
R: Like a bowl of Fruity Pebbles we are here to say
S: That we’ve a plan, it’s mighty grand
R: A major stand.
S: So we out!
R: Now who’s the man?
S: You, baby.
R: Naw, you are, y’all, yes yes.
S: Awwwww…
R: Yeah!
S: So now we’re gonna pass the mics
R: One time!
S: And if you’re gonna step, then you gotta
R: Step smart!
S: You best be ready
R: Keep it steady
S: And bomb your funky
R: Words!
S: After the bleeps. Now break it down.
R: Bleep Bleebleep Bleep Bleep Blableep.
S: The motherfunky bleeps.
R: Bleep Bleebleep Bleep Bleep Blableep.
*BEEP*

VII.
S: Hey you’ve reached the message machine of Sara and Ryan, if you’d be so kind as to—
R: Hey, are you talking to Downtown Brown in there?
S: What? I’m no—hold on!
R: ‘Cause tell him I said, “Thanks for nothing.”
S: I’m making a—
R: But make sure he knows I’m joking.
S: Hold on Ryan!
R: Or, rather, that you’re joking, since you’re the one talking.
S: I’m making a message!
R: Well, just say it on the message then, I don’t care.
S: Sh— forget this!
R: Fine, forg—
*BEEP*

VIII.
R: Hi, you’ve reached Ryan.
S: And Sara!
R: Aaaaaand RYAN! We’re not—
S: Wait, what?
R: —here right nowhat, what?
S: Why do you get to put yourself on there twice?
R: I dunno. I thought it would be funny, I think?
S: But how is that—
R: Because it like doesn’t make sense. There’s obviously not two Ryans, and so it’s funny when there is.
S: Hmm…
R: Look, you can add your name again if you want.
S: I don’t know.
R: Then we’d be even.
S: I don’t know ab—
R: Of course, it wouldn’t be as funny if you did.
S: Why do you always have to add things like—
R: Well, probably less funny, because you’d be copying me, and the caller would notice that.
S: Yeah, but as it is right now it’s more like you’re copying me, since I said my name with more enthusiasm than when you first said—
R: Yeah, but that’s not why I said mine twice.
S: How do you know that?
R: Because I just said so? Plus, shouldn’t you then be happy with it as it stands now? Since I’m the copier?
S: No, ’cause the point is that your name’s on there twice, and I don’t see why—
R: Aaaaaand SARA!
*BEEP*

IX.
S: Hi, this is Sara.
R: And Ryan!
S: And SARA!
R: AND RYAN!
S: AND SARA!!
R: AAAAAND—
S: SARA!!!
R: RYANRYANRYAN!!!
S: THIS IS SARA LEAVE A MESSAGE!
R: RYAN HERE SAYING PLEASE LE—
*BEEP*

X.
S: Testing! I think the mic is broken.
R: That’s what happens when subjected to your shrill screams.
S: Can you just call our phone on your cell and test it?
R: No. Listen, the mic is working. Either way, babe, I don’t feel like calling it right now.
S: So then it must just be our relationship that’s broken, huh?
R: What?
*BEEP*

XI.
R: Hi, you’re reached Ryan and Sara, I’m sorry to say that we’re not inlove right now, but if you’d like to leave a message, please do so—!
S: You fu—
*BEEP*

XII.

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(Ed: Robot-voice again.)

XIII.
*BOO DOO DOOP*
A Woman: Sorry, but the number you’ve dialed is no longer in service. If you feel this is a mistake, please hang up and then try the number again.

2 thoughts on “Outgoing Phone Message Archives: A Saga of Cohabitational Love

  1. You mean the frames around the robot voice? I had to put that bit of text in pre tags, that’s why. But apparently the internet doesn’t register backslashes, and that’s why that whole thing came out so garbled. I really need to post something else so that this isn’t on top anymore.