Can I speak at, oh, about waist-level about the feelgood documentary of the summer, March of the Penguins? One week before watching this movie I made the mistake of seeing a different documentary on Antarctica. This other documentary – titled Blue Planet, and produced by BBC – spent about eight minutes covering the Emperor penguins. In those eight minutes I learned and saw every thing MotP had to offer. But it took MotP 90 minutes to do it. And their breeding ground was not nearly as interesting as the BBC penguins (the BBC penguins had to ride 15 foot waves and jump off of them onto a cliff of ice. And I had to listen to Morgan Freeman end six sentences with, “…or else they will die”.
And that Freeman: he is so sage and serious, and the script was so sparse and dull. I’m more a fan of This is a leopard seal. It is the penguin’s primary predator in the ocean. It waits in the shadows, moves in for the kill, and can munch on penguins all day if it wants to. It will usually only attack from the water, so once the penguins are on land they will be much safer. Et Cetera. Let’s watch. You know, something that’s both exciting and informative.
And not uh oh, look out penguins! The penguins have to enter the water to get some food. But in doing so they risk becoming food themselves. If they fail to stock up on food, which they’ll then have to travel back 80 miles to the breeding grounds to feed the younglings, both them and themselves will die. That’s, um, supposed to be bad writing.
Personally I would have rather watched the original version of March of the Penguins. Newsweek notes that this version “was in French, with a techno-pop score, and the filmmakers had scripted actual dialogue for the penguins – as if they were animated.”
Edit made at a much later date: I’m clearly over my head here in html. For much more effective exposure to the weird world of rom hacks, just look at this review of a naked Mike Tyson’s Punch-out. And feel free to be puzzled by the post below.
Far be it for me to directly oppose Al Qaida in a match-up to determine the grand wizard of Ice Climber or 3D Worldrunner; they clearly wouldn’t have the experience necessary to beat me. I will instead impart some knowledge. I advise them to dispense with the Adventures-of-Lolo-with-aliens-and-robots as their mode of videogame propaganda, and just start hacking existing nintendo games. According to Slate, their anti-western games aren’t so top notch. Retarding the faces we know and cherish will undoubtedly work as a stepping stone toward undermining every thing we stand for.
Just as how we have songs like “Burn Motherfucker”, which are specifically written with anti-Iraqi sentiments that could easily be flipped back onto us (I don’t know, maybe, “Burn oilfielders, Burn”), Mario could be changed from an Italian plumber to African American plumber (hint: just give him an afro). As can be seen on the left, this game already (sort of) exists. Now just find some way to make him blatantly evil – perhaps have the Afro Bros. battle levitating Qua’rans (not the most creative, I know, but I’m sure Al’Q can dig a little deeper – and they’d find some way to justify playing as the enemy, as the Japanese have) – and you’ll have more success with the digital purging of democracy.
And it’s not just hairdos and clothing that can be altered (or removed completely, as can be seen in about half of the hacks out there – you want to play Gauntlet with a naked Valkyrie; ogle a nude Little Mermaid; or try to turn one of the worst games in nes history – Barbie – into something potentially playable?)…
the text, e.g. the story, can be changed as well. Ignore the fact that Zelda in Esperanto was a complete failure and focus on the fact that text-heavy RPGs can be changed from a quest to save a princess to a quest to, uh, construct a time-machine to travel back to when budding islamic nationalists were failing to rally up enough support to quell England’s scheme to westernize the land and cut a little chunk off of Iraq and turn it into a quaint shipping port called Kuwait. They’d reconstruct the Committee for Union and Progress, and all that…
I’d say Dragon Warrior is ripe for the hacking. I found one version, titled Dragon Pervert, to be quite an enjoyable scape. The objective was clear, the townspeople were friendly, the, uh, okay I never actually left the town…
The quest can be spun to anything you desire. Al Qaida, your games stink. Stop trying to do things from the ground up. Use what we’ve made and exploit it. And then let’s have a 3-hour Ikari Warriors fest.
To start out, I’d recommend grooving on this Pink Floyd Donkey Kong hack.
Yesterday I answered Jack Shafer’s query: The meth capital of the world – where is it?. Even if I don’t know exactly where it is, I told him that I found the attention paid toward the Northern California Sierra mountains wanting. He responded, literally 45 seconds after I sent the email, thanking me for the “very funny” message. We’ll see if North San Juan is mentioned in his follow-up.
I felt really bad because I spelled his name incorrectly in my email. I don’t know what I was thinking, except to say that perhaps I wasn’t at all. It was the first thing I typed, and I made a note to myself to check it before I sent the message. And I forgot. And I paid dearly – in an emotional way. I’m familiar with, and appreciate, Shafer’s work (even though I, and I’m not the only one here, have noticed a quite methly leaning to his beat). I battled for a while about whether or not to send him another email, but then I noticed a squirrel running by my window and so I had to run outside and give chase. It went up a tree, though, and I wasn’t able to climb it…
After receiving about a week’s notice regarding the incoming carpet-pesticiding to kill mosquitoes that may be carrying the West Nile Virus, the Sacramento Bee finally – a day after the first air raid to end all air raids – brought out the in-depth coverage. Sure, they announced/warned the people living in Northern Sacramento County in a little article the day before, but not every one reads the paper every day, and not every one watches the news every day. It’s a little annoying that they decided to actually start covering the story – presenting depth to both the pros and the cons – after there was absolutely nothing that could be done (save suing at a later date).
I feel bad for my sister, who started freaking out last night after reading about it and realizing she might have been outside during the four hour window. And I feel bad for the organic farmers who probably can’t refer to their crops as organic anymore, as they’ve now been sprayed by pesticides. And I feel bad for all the kids who are stuck inside on a warm summer’s eve, pressed against the sliding glass window that broke their sister’s nose a few years ago, pining to just run outside to be free to lick all their yard toys – as any kid would.
Now, I’m not one to question the germ engineers, what with their omnipresent gaze and gallons of pyrethrum at their disposal, but I wonder at the precision of a spray that can “be applied in miniscule droplets that should dissipate before touching the ground, but not before wiping out the mosquitoes” but also relies on “killing a mosquito on contact (but not a larger insect)” (Sac Bee, Aug. 9, 2005). I mean, mosquitoes fly about four feet above the ground – so that’s some precise dissipation. I guess I’m questioning what they mean by dissipation. I won’t go into further detail, as I’m tired of saying that word in my head.
When I was a youngster, living in the Hancock Park neighborhood in Los Angeles, there were some bugs that lived in trees, and they were taking over the entire city. The city, in return, proposed to aerial spray the city and kill them all. Citizens of Hancock Park, and neighboring Beverly Hills, were not so down with that, and they voiced their opinions and shoved a bunch of money down the right people’s pockets. This grassroots campaign for justice was successful. In the end, all the poor people got bombed. My neighborhood remained fresh and lickable.
On that note:
This just in, Bronx to Get Spray-Bombed After Residents In Manhattan Come Down With Virus
I don’t want my brain to rot just as much as the next gal (and some guys), but is this really the best way to go about killing mosquitoes? Would it have really hurt so much to spend another week discussing the issue and becoming more aware of how to personally battle mosquitoes. And can’t they just dunk a bunch of dunks all over the place instead? I mean, that would make for better headlines.